bigg_andy's Xanga

I guess its cool to be able to pedal backwards too

Wed, 13 Aug 2008 05:26:50 GMT

In my first step to becoming more Godlike, I decided I should imitate someone else who is Godlike. My choice is Oprah. She gets to write an article every month about things she likes... I think im going to be a malevolent God though... so ill write about things I hate.

Number one thing this month... fixed gear bikes. I mean what is there that indie kids cant ruin... cuz they have now ruined bicycles. I had no idea that hand brakes and derailleur gears were a product of corporate hegemony. I think maybe the generation of kids who were around during the bmx/freestyle bike craze grew up and thought that they wanted to ride those bikes again but knew it wasnt cool so they got the grown up version, a street bike with no gears or brakes. I know this is true becuase last night i saw a 20 year old kid trying to do wheelies and bar spins on a fixed gear street bike. The concept is really what bothers me. The bike screams "Dont ride me to pedal fast, or easily." Even wikipedia says the only point to them is they look less cluttered. I guess if you have one cuz its vintage 1970s or cuz its cheaper that cool. But the problem is with this stupid trend they arent cheap. Someone I know recently converted her 24 speed street bike to a fixed-gear cuz it was cheaper than buying that bike and mod-ing it than to buy the fixed gear. Maybe its just that i tend to be more pragmatic, but putting effort into something that takes away its sole purpose is mind boggling. But I think thats what Im missing... the purpose. I ride a bike to get somewhere, I guess they ride their bikes fit in. Im glad I lived in the time where you fit in with the clothing brand you wore... those days were easy... mod-ing a bike seems like too much effort for me

im probably not the only one

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 16:55:21 GMT

im discontent...
i was fine for a while cuz i was busy
now im restless and anxious
classic graduation blues i think...

i have some more time for the things i wanted to do
and i have a lot less stress
its just before when i wanted time to be alone
it was meant to be the minority of my time
a small break for my otherwise relatively social life

i suppose i didnt have much of a choice,
but I should not have moved in with strangers
at least these stangers
its one thing feeling a touch of lonliness
its another to feel it when there are people around
I just thought it was a nice place
but im really looking to leave as soon as i can

Where I am is probably the best of the alternatives
and im sure its going to get better
ive just gotten too used to living with friends
college is basically freedom without the responsibilty
or at least all of it

My last all nighter

Thu, 01 May 2008 19:10:27 GMT

38 pages in 16 hours... eat that crit kids

Worth the $1.50

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 07:49:12 GMT

So i watched Juno for the first time today... i know.. im like 5 months behind the times. Anyway, I will now be "that guy"

Its not that I hated the movie, its just that they were trying way too hard to be indie I mean, the only way the movie could have possibly been more indie was if Juno claimed her hamburger phone was made with soy cheese and a boca patty. I know the soundtrack that only contains artists no one has ever heard of before has been cool since Garden State, that aspect is cool cuz it lets me find new music and then pawn it off as if i discovered them first... for your information ive been listening to the moldy peaches for years... no... i havent... anyways... really i just found it funny the set designers crammed more posters than any wall could physically hold on her bedroom wall... and i found the dialogue between Jason Bateman and Juno about music to be a bit forced, something tells me Ellen Paige never listened to The Stooges and Jason Bateman never listened to Sonic Youth... that last part might not be true, but he wasnt/isnt as much of a lover as the movie portrays, which is fine, i just think the acting needed to be tuned up a bit then...

overall i actually enjoyed the movie... it made me want to have sex with Michael Cera even more knowing that he is ridiculously fertile... JK Simmons (the dad) gave me plenty of material to say to Holly to say that I love you... mainly telling her that the sun shines out of her ass.. its just when anti-cool becomes cool i just want to make fun of it more than i wanted to make fun of cool before.. which could start me on another rant... is the word cool passe yet... i just cant wait til the word neat is in again

Its been close to six months i think... who knows if anyone even reads these now?

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 04:45:35 GMT

I've been doing a lot of overnight shifts at work. Its not really the best environment for me to start thinking, since I get pretty animated-donkey-like. However, it keeps me awake. Possibly some of the things Ive been thinking about are just normal for a person a month before graduation. But these are things Ive been feeling for a while now though. Its just odd to see your life going a certain way, and knowing your only defense is to wait it out until it all makes sense. I mean, Ive noticed myself doing things that just strike me as patently odd. For instance, I ran into someone recently, that person said that we never see each other and that we should hang out. This is common, it is equally as common to say yeah we should, and then never call them. However, at least with me, its always an unconscious thing. This was probably the first time that I said sure, lets hang out, but in my head I knew we never would. This is of course an almost minor problem. Really, the big picture is just that I feel like ive been paying off Id say 3 years now, and I feel like Ill never stop paying it. Each year I make some plan for how its going to get better, and each year it gets so much worse. There are always positives that people will bring up to try to convince me that my life isnt as bad as I think it is, but really i just dont think they understand. Its not that I feel like my life is devoid of pleasure, its that i feel like i lack any control whatsoever of my successes and failures. In the last year, I've basically in one way or another either passively or actively alienated every friend I have. Ive basically become that guy that fun to be around, but you can never really count on him ever being around. I think I see my own sister the least of just about anyone else on this campus, for instance. I've also ran out of excuses really. When told that i havent been seen in a while, my responses have changed from im terribly busy with school, or Ive had to work a lot, to saying "I havent even seen myself in a while." Thinking about the real weight of that sentence, I think that is the most depressing quip Ive come up with in a while. The sad part is that usually those quips are the result of trying to be funny or actively thinking of them. That sentence just blurts out of me now.

A year ago I was excited to make the most of my senior year. Now Im eager to graduate because its the closest thing to redemption i can get right now. Its not that everything is going to be made right. Instead its that i get to partially start again and try not screw up. Its just going to weigh on me for a while knowing that I really cannot make up for everything Ive done. A week ago someone asked me (in a relatively joking manner) when am I going to be their friend again? Out loud i said maybe, soon. As if that isnt sad enough, in my head I said "who know?" That person will be living in the area for a while, so maybe I can make amends with them. But for those moving away to Oregon or back with their parents, or where ever else, it sucks knowing they will leave with their final years memories of me being limited to running into them on a sidewalk, saying we should hang out more, or wondering where Ive been.

I think thats about it for now... let the eeyore-referencing comments begin

</social isolation>

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 18:12:14 GMT

school work is pretty much done... and i may now hang out with friends again... please flood me with invites and comments and texts asking me to do things with you

As if I wasn't going to hell already...

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 17:07:28 GMT

Would it be sac-religious of me to ask the chapel department where they get their sacramental communion bread from becuase it is one of the best tasting non-home-made sour dough bread loaves I have ever tasted... the question is will it still taste as good without Christ's presence in it...

To all my friends... this is my preapology for never seeing you

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 05:14:36 GMT

if this is supposed to prepare me for something... its something huge
if this is supposed to be a punishment... i mustve done something awful
and im only a week into it

Sex, Drugs, and Raisin Bran Crunch

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 09:11:08 GMT

i guess this one start with a disclaimer... i dont attest to being perfectly original or mindbogglingly witty... but i dont need to to make my point...

now that emo has been dead as a genre of music for 3 years, as a good genre of music for 10 and as a joke for at least a year and a half can people please find a new buzz word... fortunately this isnt in reference to nicknames i had been given in the past but instead to the publics overall use of it... of course when i say public... what i mean is dumb people... yes we all know im arrogant... but you cant be arrogant about something unless you have it... if you dont then its called something else... anyways... even if i am not the most intelligent person i know and even if im not God's gift to [insert person, place, or thing here... it would been shorter if i just said noun... oh well], i at least dont pledge to be the expert on things i know nothing about... in order to answer arguements some people may be making against me in their heads right now, i AM however a bullshitter... the subtle difference is my stories and explanations are laced with words like "probably" and "i think" or even "i dont know, i just saw a history channel special once" which puts just enough doubt in your mind to know that im no expert... but back to the dumb people... basically what im saying is... calling someone emo now for looking sad is like calling a drag queen a David Bowie wannabe... its both not true and not relevent... its really time for society to pick up on a new buzz word... the problem is... society will always be at least 6 months behind the actual style... for instance the word "scene" is beginning to replace emo the unfortunate thing scene-kids are on their way out... music culture is now locked in a battle to the death over the pop-punk resurgence (Fall Out Boy, who is waiting for reinforcments by a possible sophomore album from Panic at the Disco), and the sudden semi-indie sound (unknowingly led by The White Stripes {not indie, but for some reason all indie lovers love them... kinda like hardcore kids and their affinity for bands like The Smiths and Coheed and Cambria, but the figure heads are Deathcab and The Decembrists, as well as suddenly famous acts like The Polyphonic Spree and Sigur Ros , another nonindie band that kids that like indie music are obligated to love)... personally id love to able to one day see a kid wearing a monochrome suit and tie combonation and say "thats so indie" ... we'll just have to wait and see.. i guess the point of this is... first, try to stay current... and second... if you cant... at least dont be an idiot and say that emo kids are the same as goth kids and then say that your room mates girl friend is emo becuase she's shy around you and wears eyeliner (especially becuase i think {see thats me lettig you know im no expert) a lot of girls regardless of music/scene affiliation still wear eyeliner)...

the funny thing about this post is that everything i just said up there was supposed to be an intro to what i really wanted to write about... but by now i completely forgot that tie-in... so all i can say is... i hate being the scapegoat...

Kinda like the footprints in Holly-wood... just less permanent

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 22:53:33 GMT

I always find it interesting when things that you have heard for nearly your whole life... or things you may have even seen or read... gather up a new meaning. And its not even that. Its more that for the first time I think i understand the meaning. I was recently in a situation that for some reason brought to mind that kitchy classic little story about the footprints in the sand... aptly title Footprints in the Sand. Ive had it nailed on my wall at home since i was probably 7, and have heard the story told and retold a thousand times at church. Everytime I hear it and I get it "trust god, he'll carry you when you can't walk." It's pretty spot on really, the only lame-ness lies in the telling and re-telling of it, so many times in fact that it seems to have become an institution of the prior generation, and we all know prior generation=lame. But even the lame-ness washes away a little bit when you look behind yourself and all you see stumbled steps instead of confident strides. Then (back in reality) you (and by you, I mean I) are about to make a mistake and something happens that by all accounts would NEVER happen and all of the sudden that mistake isnt possible anymore. I realize my blogs would make a lot more sense and probably be a little more impactful if I used details instead of ambiguity in my storytelling... but i have to look half of you in the face... so thats not happening. Anyways, I've prayed for a lot of things, Ive been in a number of tight situations that I thought would take a miracle to get me out of. But when you need money, you can go work harder or longer, or go beg a parent or a bank. When you feel lonely you can call a friend, or you can work on being ok with being single. But when you are in a mess that no one can really understand, and you know your failing (again, mentally change all you's to I's)... thats when i found that the 2 sets of footprints had faded to 1. Thats when, even though this was something I hadnt even thought to pray about, I knew I could trust God... that he was watching out for me even when i wasnt even watching out for myself...