| I've been doing a lot of overnight shifts at work. Its not really the best environment for me to start thinking, since I get pretty animated-donkey-like. However, it keeps me awake. Possibly some of the things Ive been thinking about are just normal for a person a month before graduation. But these are things Ive been feeling for a while now though. Its just odd to see your life going a certain way, and knowing your only defense is to wait it out until it all makes sense. I mean, Ive noticed myself doing things that just strike me as patently odd. For instance, I ran into someone recently, that person said that we never see each other and that we should hang out. This is common, it is equally as common to say yeah we should, and then never call them. However, at least with me, its always an unconscious thing. This was probably the first time that I said sure, lets hang out, but in my head I knew we never would. This is of course an almost minor problem. Really, the big picture is just that I feel like ive been paying off Id say 3 years now, and I feel like Ill never stop paying it. Each year I make some plan for how its going to get better, and each year it gets so much worse. There are always positives that people will bring up to try to convince me that my life isnt as bad as I think it is, but really i just dont think they understand. Its not that I feel like my life is devoid of pleasure, its that i feel like i lack any control whatsoever of my successes and failures. In the last year, I've basically in one way or another either passively or actively alienated every friend I have. Ive basically become that guy that fun to be around, but you can never really count on him ever being around. I think I see my own sister the least of just about anyone else on this campus, for instance. I've also ran out of excuses really. When told that i havent been seen in a while, my responses have changed from im terribly busy with school, or Ive had to work a lot, to saying "I havent even seen myself in a while." Thinking about the real weight of that sentence, I think that is the most depressing quip Ive come up with in a while. The sad part is that usually those quips are the result of trying to be funny or actively thinking of them. That sentence just blurts out of me now. A year ago I was excited to make the most of my senior year. Now Im eager to graduate because its the closest thing to redemption i can get right now. Its not that everything is going to be made right. Instead its that i get to partially start again and try not screw up. Its just going to weigh on me for a while knowing that I really cannot make up for everything Ive done. A week ago someone asked me (in a relatively joking manner) when am I going to be their friend again? Out loud i said maybe, soon. As if that isnt sad enough, in my head I said "who know?" That person will be living in the area for a while, so maybe I can make amends with them. But for those moving away to Oregon or back with their parents, or where ever else, it sucks knowing they will leave with their final years memories of me being limited to running into them on a sidewalk, saying we should hang out more, or wondering where Ive been. I think thats about it for now... let the eeyore-referencing comments begin |
